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So today my mother asked me to help her start her car and get her petrol because she ran out. When I got there, she tried to give me a bag of useless stuff (which she does fairly often). Upon refusing the bag, she then tried to put it in my car which I blocked by locking my car. After helping her start her car, she again tried to give me the bag, and when I again refused, she lobbed the bag past my arm into my car, and then acted upset and shocked when I lost my temper.
I have a pretty forceful personality, in that if I want something I'll do what I can to get it. In the past, I've hurt people because I've done things because I wanted them, or because I thought they were for the best without listening to other opinions as much as I should have. When people have not agreed, my default response is to try and convince or persuade them or do them anyway because it seemed to me to be the best course of action. It's sometimes not even because I didn't agree, just that I was unaware of a different perspective besides my own.
What I was missing which I try and keep in mind now is that I need to be more concious of other peoples perspectives, needs and objections. It's fine to be determined and strong willed but not if you're trampling over someone who is not so outspoken.
This episode today with my mother helped me realise where my earlier mindset has come from and the importance of controlling it. Growing up I had to be extremely strong-minded to survive her interference in my life and while it's been a great survival instinct and protected me, It's something I can move on from now.

May. 21st, 2015

Met such an amazing girl today at a introduction to feminism.

We then went to a climate chance discussion and then to hells pizza for epic talks.

Sadly she is 21, leaving the country soon and sort of involved.

Still, this is what i want. This is the magic that i feel when i meet someone that gels with me on all the levels and i want to talk to for hours and hours as our topics flow like a river. Magical, I found it in Jen. I've  found it in other girls. I know that exists and now I have faith to keep on looking fot it.

I'm  so happy to have experienced this again. I just wish i could bottle this feeling and live off it!

Thoughts on relationships and communication

The key to a good relationship is communication, this much is obvious.

I think that it's really really crucial to deal with problems as the occur, and learn to recognize them. When you do have a problem within the relationship, you need to figure out how to solve it and what your partner needs from you.

I'm finding that the problems are becoming clearer after the damage has been done - ie the problem is identifiable and the steps to solve it are recognizable, but the motivation to take those steps and preserve the relationship isn't there anymore because of the pain and hurt.

It seems like early in the relationship it's easy to ignore problems because of your love, but by ignoring those problems it only creates a rift in your relationship. What's worse is when you don't even realise the problems are that important, or you don't even notice them.

Finally, in terms of communication, it seems to have 4 crucial steps:

1) Understand how you feel
2) Help your partner understand how you feel
3) Ask your partner to repeat back to what they understand about your feelings
4) Write these exchanges down and revisit them. Update them if anything changes or look for new approaches if nothing has.

It's only though ensuring that your message is fully being received in the way that you meant it to be and continually and consistently being understood, that you can action any change.

"Unconditionally" - Katie Perry

Oh no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy
I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you, I love you

"Just Give Me A Reason"

"Just Give Me A Reason"
(feat. Nate Ruess)

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh
Things you never say to me, oh, oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again


It's really hard to love someone when you're hurting.
It's really hard to love the person that is hurting you.
It's really hard to give without wanting something back.
But it's part of love.

Relationship Building Questions

1) - What your top 5 important elements of a relationship?

2) - In terms of your current relationships, are those being met?

3) - What can your partner do to better achieve these elements?

4) - What can you do to better achieve these elements?

5) - Name 5 things that you appreciate or love about your partner

6) - In what different ways do you show your partner that you love/appreciate them on a regular basis?

7) - What ways do they show their love for you?

8) - Does these ways work for you? What could be better or different?

9) - What for you are some of the most challenging aspects of your relationship?

10) - What would you like your partner to do/change or keep doing to address those?

11) - Sometimes relationships require compromise or sacrifice. Are there any ways in which you are putting the needs of your partner or the relationship ahead of your own? What are these?

12) - Relationships can also be about personal growth. Are there any negative behaviours/areas/issues that you bring to your half of the relationship that you would like to change/do better at/reduce?

13) - What are they and what are you doing or wanting to do to reduce their impact?

14) - What are ways your partner could help or support you in this?

15) - Finally think about your relationship as a whole. Has your live been made better, easier, happier or otherwise improved from this relationship? What are some of the ways that this relationship has enriched your life?

Feb. 23rd, 2015

You are a safe Harbour in the storm, yet also the ship that needs to be guided away from the rocks.

You can dock in my cove and share my shelter and strength and were it I, I would not feel afraid to face the storm beside you.

I would sail with you and explore the unknown,  to confront adventure and fear and reward.

You are fierce and staunch yet cute and soft, fully the fury of tempests while capable of such kindness.

You are a rainstorm in the summer and a ray of sunshine in my winter. You break my expectations and force new and wonderful painful and strange into my world. I would give my life to you but should you take it I would fall.

Msg out

Well thats over. She said that she didnt feel any attraction for me nor could see feeling any again.  She called our relationship a sinking ship,  yet she still hasnt broken up with me so I can only assume she's trying to manipulate me into breaking up with her. Thank-you for your help. I clearly was far far too trusting. Feeling pretty stupid.  Also pretty sure shes going to get into a relationship with her friend with benefits now.


People were doing this at New Years, but I was in germany, so thought I'd wait until the end of January instead.

2014 was for me a collection of new opportunities, I made friends and I lost them, I embraced my future and tried to let go of my past, I made mistakes and I learned from them.

New Car
In March, my old 93' Avenir's motor blew up, so I bought myself a 2006 Ford Mondeo for 4k (Thanks Dave Harris). Said car's engine then stopped working several months later, requiring a replacement engine for another 4k. I'd always bought cheaper cars, previously my most expensive was $1,200, so my hope with the ford was that by spending more I would have less car trouble. It didn't quite pan out the way I hoped but it's been good since.

New Shop
Thanks to LIVS, I had the opportunity to take Verboom back into a retail store in February, and barring closures due to events, I've been at the Cathedral Junction since. I'ts been interesting having a physical store, dealing with walk in traffic and managing staff and I'm happy to have had that experience. Cheers for the help Loren Roper

New best friend
In February, I met Abra Heinrich for the first time and after a long and very tentative courtship, we officially started our relationship in May. My thanks to Isaac Ching and Sophia Chan for the encouragement and Rosaria Ferguson for the awesome event we met at, and Kyan Krumdieck for going with me. Abra and I have been together for almost a year and it has been an amazing, interesting, insightful and educational whirlwind.

New Travels and New Shows
In 2014 I went to Dunedin, Wellington, Hamilton, Hokitika, Auckland (5 times) Sydney (twice), Brisbane and Germany. It was my first time to Sydney and my 2nd time to Brisbane. I had a great time with Harmony Thompson in Sydney, though I don't really like the city and revisiting Brisbane again was wondeful, I really love this place and living there for over a week and meeting Sian Hammond was epic. I always struggle to do everything I want to do in Auckland, but it made me happy to see Matt Legge again and it was good to catch up with Sian Hunter and meet my adorable niece. I loved Auckland Armageddon with Soph, Chris Ting, Emily Maru Blarggh, Rebecca Grace, Vlad D'mpaler and Phil Callaghan, easily the best show I've ever had, the most money we've ever made and the best people I've ever done something that insane with. Sophie, you're such an amazing person and between hanging out with you and Chris in January, May, June, August and October and cementing our friendship, it's been legendary.

Germany deserves a special mention on it's own, my appreciation to Abra's family for hosting us, meeting all of Abra's awesome friends (especially Bianca Henne and Ham La Cart) and experiencing the other side of the world first hand was an unbelievable journey and I'm so happy I had the opportunity to go and do something that crazy.

New Views
Getting involved with this years election and working with the Green Party was wildly invigorating and a massive wake up call to the world around ,e
Tumblr is going to get a massive shoutout for helping me become less intolerant and much more intune with the massive amounts of systematic racism and sexism present in our culture world wide. For helping me identify my privilege and see beyond it. We're all taught the myth that every one of us is a special snowflake, that we will be treated fairly and justly, that our voice matters and that our life matters. This is in fact a lie. You are born randomly and what you make of your life depends completely on what luck chances upon you, what people will listen to you and what people will believe you. Any time you think that you are better than someone else, that you deserve more than someone else, that you have the right to walk over someone else is the path of evil.

To Liying Jin for great times at the start of last year and this, to Chris J. Conway and Hadi Roudaki and Stuart Surnamê for being amazing friends, helping me with all of the stuff I needed help with and for spending so much time talking shit, you guys are my favorite bromance.

To eveyone else, thank you for last year, for the time that gave to me and I hope I managed to give back to you equally. To 2015, may it be as epic.